Report to the
Republican National Committee
After an extensive
background check on Nicholas of Myra (AKA “St. Nicholas,”
“Santa Claus,” “St. Nick,” “Sinterklaas,”
etc.), we cannot recommend him for consideration as a Republican candidate
for President. Essentially, he is far too liberal and his behavior
contradicts nearly everything we believe in.
Claus is the head
of a worldwide non-government organization (NGO) whose mission seems
to be an annual global distribution of toys to “good little boys
and girls.” His efforts are legendary, and it is said he
spends the entire year making toys for delivery in a single night –
Christmas Eve.
He was formerly
a bishop in Myra, Turkey, but no longer has strong religious ties.
He is clearly a Christian but not a Protestant, and certainly not a
Fundamentalist. Some say he died on December 6, 343, but they
say the same thing about Bob Dole, and he still looks pretty good.
He (Santa, not Bob) is married to a Barbara Bush lookalike named Sanity.
No voter registration
records exist for Claus. He may not even be a US citizen, unless his
parents worked at the American embassy in Turkey in the Byzantine era.
He may not be a Republican, although we believe 4th century Turkey was
at least as conservative as South Carolina.
Santa lives at
a place called The North Pole. He apparently operates his toy
factory out of his home, probably in violation of local regulations.
Claus has little
regard for law and order. He has no passport, and apparently operates
without regard for national boundaries. He never obtains clearances
to overfly sovereign states during his annual toy distribution.
Legend says he operates either a flying sleigh pulled by “eight
tiny reindeer” (without an FAA Certificate of Airworthiness, we
might add!) or a black helicopter flown by eight tiny militiamen.
Further, he has
no regard for property rights. He enters every home in the world
through the chimney, claiming he has a “prescriptive easement,”
since he’s done it so many times before.
Saint Nick is morally
weak. He only cares if little boy and girls have been “good
or bad.” He has never asked kids for their position on women’s
choice or school vouchers. He only cautions them not to shout,
cry, or pout. In the past, naughty children received coal instead
of toys or (according to the Dutch) the “roede” (rod), but
currently it appears he is soft on deprivation or corporal punishment
for bad kids.
Here’s the
shocking thing about his operation. Santa gives toys to children
regardless of how their parents vote! Even during wars, kids on
both sides of the conflict get presents. Further, he gives gifts
to kids in countries that don’t vote our way at the UN!
Mr. Claus has no
grasp of business. He has never downsized his operation, as have
our many corporate supporters. He “dumps” toys, which
hurts Toys R Us and Radio Shack. He apparently does not manufacture
his toys in China, which any sensible capitalist would do.
Also, we suspect
Leftist leanings: His residence is far too close to the former
USSR, he is known to affect red winter clothing and he employs a reindeer
known as “Rudolph the Red.”
This man is very
weak politically. To our knowledge, Claus has never spoken out
on taxation, government spending, overregulation, or national defense,
even though these issues are far more important than making children
happy. For some reason, he has never criticized the Democrats!
Our conclusion
is that this Claus person is completely unsuitable for consideration.
Respectfully submitted,
Newt The Grinch