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Christmas: Remove Yourself from the Collective Madness
Published Saturday, December 12, 1998

My friend Scott in the column next door has backed himself into a corner.  He finds justification and even value in the evolution of Christmas from its simpler roots into Full American Buy-O-Rama Insanity Deluxe.  I wish him good luck defending the indefensible.
 
Christmas is America’s high-stress season.  We spend money we don’t have to buy people we don’t particularly like gifts they don’t want.  We decorate our homes with expensive symbols that have lost any meaning for us.  And the ritual of shopping has become more important than the ritual we’re shopping for.
 
When the madness ends, we sit in a daze, unfulfilled, wondering why our Christmas didn’t look like a Norman Rockwell Saturday Evening Post cover, and wondering what we did wrong (again).
 
Granted, people need rituals and rituals evolve. But the Christmas ritual has gone too far.
 
I can accept that Jesus wasn’t born anywhere near December 25th  and that it was probably 3rd or 4th century clerics who scheduled Christmas coincidentally close to the Roman feast of Saturnalia, Winter Solstice or whatever local pagan party was happening.  I can even accept that cartoonist Thomas Nast created the Santa Claus we know today in an 1870 drawing.
 
But I cannot accept the current evolution into complete meaninglessness. We even call this the “Holiday Season,” a phrase invented by merchants fearful of putting off Jews, Muslims and Kwanzaa fans.
 
How about a less commercial Christmas?  Here’s my 12-Step Christmas Anonymous program, guaranteed to save you money, reduce stress, free your time and make you feel good.

1. Abandon all assumptions.  First and foremost, you don’t “have” to do anything.  No one is holding a gun to your head about a tree, gifts, cards, food, or wearing a goofy tie with a reindeer on it.

 

2. Time.  Time is the most precious commodity you have, so give it to yourself. You don’t have to go to Aunt Tilly’s on Christmas Day, even if “the whole family is going.” Also, if you don’t love “The Nutcracker” performed by 12-year-olds, don’t go.

 

3. Gifts.  You don’t “owe” anyone a gift, especially marginal acquaintances.  If you are obsessed with gift buying, get your friends and family “regular stuff.”  No Salad Shooters!  Be careful.  Everyone has too much junk.

 

4. Shopping.  Budget what you will spend, and then cut it in half.  Save time and hassles by shopping at home, using catalogs or the internet.  If you love stores, shop locally, but only if it’s fun.

 

5. Tree.  If you must have a green blinking phallic symbol in your home for three weeks, at least consider a smaller one.  To see real trees, take a walk.  If you need blinking lights, go out at night.

 

6. Cards.  If you’re just signing your name, forget it.  But if you really want to communicate with friends and relatives, spend a quiet night at home and write something meaningful.  If you must write one of those general Christmas letters, keep it honest and real.

 

7. Food.  Make Christmas dinner anything you want.  Face it, you hate turkey, especially Aunt Tilly’s turkey.  Eat regular food, including Beanie Weenies or pizza, if you are so moved.

 

8. Solve a problem.  Find a local or worldwide problem, think about it, find a solution, write it down, and type it up.  Who me?  Yes you!  Somebody’s got to, and it might as well be you.  You have a good mind, so put it to work and give the world a gift.

 

9. Do something good for someone.  Directly.  We have many around us in need.  Do something.  If you must, donate cash or a can of beans, but you won’t feel nearly as good as if you helped in person.

 

10. Pray.  Spend a few moments with one of the greatest religious figures the world has known.  Use the time you would have spent buying that cheap sports watch for cousin Clem.

 

11. Teach your kids.  Take this time to help your children understand what’s important in an increasingly trivialized world.

 

12. Meditate.  Relax and think.  While others are out fighting over Talking Fuzzy dolls, take a moment to dream about and plan what a wonderful 1999 you are going to have.

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