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The
Union: Best Newspaper in Town
Published Saturday,
June 12, 1999
Congratulations to
The Unions editor, John Seelmeyer, and publisher, John Starren,
for their extraordinary wisdom, wit, taste, and discernment. Why? Because
through their approval, tolerance or neglect, this column begins Scott
and Barrys fourth year of writing Both Sides Now for
the second Saturday of the month.
Seelmeyer and Starren have either recognized our outstanding level of
service to the community, or else they are severely hurting for something
to fill this space. Let us mark this momentous occasion by praising and
characterizing the newspaper.
The Union was Founded in 1864 to Preserve the Union
One and Inseparable. Excellent! Great start! Had The Union
been founded to preserve the Confederacy, it would have had a pretty short
run.
The Union has been around for 195 years, and is obviously the best
daily paper in Western Nevada County. Especially if you figure its
the only paper, and if you define daily as being only Monday
through Saturday. If God rested on the seventh day, why shouldnt
The Union?
Its wrong-headed, but everybody loves to criticize The Union.
Apparently, this newspaper is simultaneously too liberal, too conservative
and too centrist.
I truly sympathize with John Seelmeyer when he appears on radio talk shows.
One caller says Johns a right-wing whacko and can prove
it. Then next caller says hes a left-wing whacko. Both callers will
cite dates and times when the paper said anything they disagree with.
However, I know the truth: John Seelmeyer is a middle-of-the-road whacko.
A look at any of his Saturday commentaries shows he is truly deranged.
Yet this is an editor who will return your phone calls, no matter what
kind of whacko YOU are.
The Union over-reports. The Union under-reports. Yada, yada,
yada. Aside from being a lightning rod for our distress, The Union
has a truly invaluable role in our community. It gives us everything we
should expect, with an extremely local focus. If we dont like something,
more likely its the subject than the newspapers treatment
of it. After all, what else can a newspaper be except a reflection of
all our community values?
Now, some of us will be traveling this summer and will be temporarily
out of touch with The Union. This situation may give us Lackounionitis,
a strange form of addiction withdrawal.
To mitigate this problem, Ill give you a summary of how the paper
will look every day during the summer. Maybe some of these offerings are
a little farfetched, but just the same, I recommend you carry this column
with you while you are on vacation.
Front page headlines: 1) 8000-Home Gated Community Proposed for South
County. 2) Rural Quality Coalition Recommends Ban on Everything; 3) NID
Ditches Declared to be Wild & Scenic. 4) Speeding Van on Hwy 20 Kills
Teenagers on McCourtney Road.
Front page photo: Beautiful Wildflowers Grow in Womans Yard (based
on a real 1988 photo!).
Page 3: Grass Valley City Council Votes to Annex Sierra County.
Police blotter: John Jones, a 23-year-old unemployed laborer, was
arrested for possession of a controlled substance, outstanding warrants,
and parole violations, while allegedly beating his wife.
Obituaries: Homer Brown, age 110, died at Sierra Pines Meadows Convalescent
Hospital. Instead of flowers, please send contributions to the National
Viagra Research Fund.
Outside the County (page 87): 1) Cure for Cancer Found. 2) Jesus Returns.
3) Hitler Found Living in Reno.
Editorial page, letters: On July 29, Jack called me a jerk for calling
him a moron, although his facts are wrong and God told me to criticize
him.
Editorial page, Both sides now: 1) Barry: Im your
worst nightmare -- a Liberal with an assault rifle. 2) Scott: Im
an Objectivist. Let the free market determine who gets lifesaving vaccines.
Sports: Lady Miners Crochet Team Takes Section Finals.
Want ads, employment opportunities: Wanted, line cooks, $7.00/hr.
Must be able to prepare $22.95 rack of lamb in five minutes.
Mike Drummond. Here on Clear Creek Farm, we save our nail clippings
for compost.
Alan Stahler: The use of nail clippings for compost may increase
the threat of global warming.
Saturday Business: Local Inventor Makes Big Money in Nail Clippings.
Bette Worth, Food Section: Tasty Casseroles from Nail Clippings.
Prospector: 1) Andean Flautists Play Reggae at St. Josephs Foundry.
2) Same Six Bands to Appear At Same Six Clubs.
I hope this summary serves you well. Have a wonderful summer!
Barry Schoenborn is a technical writer, and a ten-year resident of
Nevada County. You can write to him at barry@wvswrite.com. The opinions
of columnists are not necessarily those of The Union.
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