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The Union: Best Newspaper in Town
Published Saturday, June 12, 1999

Congratulations to The Union’s editor, John Seelmeyer, and publisher, John Starren, for their extraordinary wisdom, wit, taste, and discernment. Why? Because through their approval, tolerance or neglect, this column begins Scott and Barry’s fourth year of writing “Both Sides Now” for the second Saturday of the month.
 
Seelmeyer and Starren have either recognized our outstanding level of service to the community, or else they are severely hurting for something to fill this space. Let us mark this momentous occasion by praising and characterizing the newspaper.
 
The Union was “Founded in 1864 to Preserve the Union… One and Inseparable.” Excellent! Great start! Had The Union been founded to preserve the Confederacy, it would have had a pretty short run.
 
The Union has been around for 195 years, and is obviously the best daily paper in Western Nevada County. Especially if you figure it’s the only paper, and if you define “daily” as being only Monday through Saturday. If God rested on the seventh day, why shouldn’t The Union?
 
It’s wrong-headed, but everybody loves to criticize The Union. Apparently, this newspaper is simultaneously too liberal, too conservative and too centrist.
 
I truly sympathize with John Seelmeyer when he appears on radio talk shows. One caller says John’s a right-wing whacko and can “prove” it. Then next caller says he’s a left-wing whacko. Both callers will cite dates and times when the paper said anything they disagree with. However, I know the truth: John Seelmeyer is a middle-of-the-road whacko. A look at any of his Saturday commentaries shows he is truly deranged. Yet this is an editor who will return your phone calls, no matter what kind of whacko YOU are.
 
The Union over-reports. The Union under-reports. Yada, yada, yada. Aside from being a lightning rod for our distress, The Union has a truly invaluable role in our community. It gives us everything we should expect, with an extremely local focus. If we don’t like something, more likely it’s the subject than the newspaper’s treatment of it. After all, what else can a newspaper be except a reflection of all our community values?
 
Now, some of us will be traveling this summer and will be temporarily out of touch with The Union. This situation may give us Lackounionitis, a strange form of addiction withdrawal.
 
To mitigate this problem, I’ll give you a summary of how the paper will look every day during the summer. Maybe some of these offerings are a little farfetched, but just the same, I recommend you carry this column with you while you are on vacation.
 
Front page headlines: 1) 8000-Home Gated Community Proposed for South County. 2) Rural Quality Coalition Recommends Ban on Everything; 3) NID Ditches Declared to be Wild & Scenic. 4) Speeding Van on Hwy 20 Kills Teenagers on McCourtney Road.
 
Front page photo: Beautiful Wildflowers Grow in Woman’s Yard (based on a real 1988 photo!).
 
Page 3: Grass Valley City Council Votes to Annex Sierra County.
 
Police blotter: “John Jones, a 23-year-old unemployed laborer, was arrested for possession of a controlled substance, outstanding warrants, and parole violations, while allegedly beating his wife.”
 
Obituaries: “Homer Brown, age 110, died at Sierra Pines Meadows Convalescent Hospital. Instead of flowers, please send contributions to the National Viagra Research Fund.”
 
Outside the County (page 87): 1) Cure for Cancer Found. 2) Jesus Returns. 3) Hitler Found Living in Reno.
 
Editorial page, letters: “On July 29, Jack called me a jerk for calling him a moron, although his facts are wrong and God told me to criticize him.”
 
Editorial page, “Both sides now:” 1) Barry: “I’m your worst nightmare -- a Liberal with an assault rifle.” 2) Scott: “I’m an Objectivist. Let the free market determine who gets lifesaving vaccines.”
 
Sports: “Lady Miners Crochet Team Takes Section Finals.”
 
Want ads, employment opportunities: “Wanted, line cooks, $7.00/hr. Must be able to prepare $22.95 rack of lamb in five minutes.”
 
Mike Drummond. “Here on Clear Creek Farm, we save our nail clippings for compost.”
 
Alan Stahler: “The use of nail clippings for compost may increase the threat of global warming.”
 
Saturday Business: “Local Inventor Makes Big Money in Nail Clippings.”
 
Bette Worth, Food Section: “Tasty Casseroles from Nail Clippings.”
 
Prospector: 1) Andean Flautists Play Reggae at St. Joseph’s Foundry. 2) Same Six Bands to Appear At Same Six Clubs.
 
I hope this summary serves you well. Have a wonderful summer!
 
Barry Schoenborn is a technical writer, and a ten-year resident of Nevada County. You can write to him at barry@wvswrite.com. The opinions of columnists are not necessarily those of The Union.

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