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Bush’s
Inaugural Address (The Rough Draft) By an odd twist of fate, the personal journal of President-elect George W. Bush has been distributed to the media. This recent entry appears to be the outline of Bush’s inaugural address. He writes: (Golly, I hope my controllers let me keep some of this stuff in my speech. Well, here goes.) My fellow Republicans and the rest of you Godless scum: let us begin this momentary Inauguration Day with a prayer: Dear God, I thank you for giving me this swell President job. I know I’m a ninny, totally unworthy and unsuited to lead the most powerful nation on the earth. I know I am inadequate to do the task before me. I am but a small human being propelled forward by events, insane ambition, and countless millions of dollars.. I must thank you, God, for a nation that so hated Bill Clinton that they were willing to accept even me as his replacement. And for that Al Gore guy, who couldn’t exploit the best economy we’ve ever had! Lord, I love this country! I ask you, God, to bless (above all others) the moronic little people who were so easily influenced by my massive spending and puerile messages. (Well, so much for the humble crap. Now on with the rest of the speech.) First, let me say, I won fair and square. I got 5 out of the 9 votes cast by the Supreme Court. That’s 55%, a clear majority. Also, I won Florida, although I wish my inept brother had done a better job of cooking the election. Second, some of you may think of me as an empty suit. That’s true, but I’m being helped by powerful and greedy former members of the Nixon (what a guy!), Reagan, and Bush administrations. What a great bunch of creaky, old, white males! Further, please recall that my own father was Head Spook for the CIA during Iran-Contra. If this kind of management doesn’t get the country turned around, I don’t know what will! You’ll recall that I ran on a slogan of "Compassion for Conservatives," and I promise to extend that compassion to anyone who will do things my way. To promote my handlers’ programs, I have already proposed some great cabinet appointments. John Ashcroft for Attorney General. He’s no friend of abortionists or African-American judges. Now, I call that integrity! This will show some real compassion for my ultra-conservative, racist, and pro-life friends whom I needed to get elected. Gale Norton for Interior Secretary. Here is a woman who has a genuine compassion for loggers. She knows how to apply market solutions to national resources. Once we sell the national forests to Sierra Pacific Industries, I’ll leave it to SPI to remove the infestations of old growth timber and spotted owls. Linda Chavez for Labor Secretary. I can’t believe I’m getting heat just because this little honey paid some money to illegals. Too bad, because I like a labor secretary who is opposed to the minimum wage. Still, I hope to find some one else, as long as he shows sufficient compassion to corporations. Colin Powell for Secretary of State. This should show that any compassionate, conservative African American can make it in this country, if he or she is a male general who won a war and votes Republican. Let this be a lesson to all who might criticize me. In fact, I’ll say directly to them, "Shalom, Que pasa, and Yo, brother!" You see, I speak your language. I’ve got some really neat ideas for other departments, too: Energy. According to my dad, oil is America’s only non-polluting, inexhaustible energy source, and he’s never steered us wrong before, even when he said the Gulf War was about democracy, not oil. Education. We must find market-based solutions for education. It’s only fair that those with the most money get the best education. Defense. Jeez, they tell me we’ve got ray guns to shoot down missiles. I wonder if they work on Democrats. For all other problems, my solution will get you drooling like Pavlov’s dogs. Please nod your heads like those little animals on the back shelf of your daddy’s Oldsmobile and join me in this incantation: "Tax cut, tax cut, tax cut, ommmmmm!" For those who count (and you know who you are), it’s going to be a wonderful four years! Barry Schoenborn is a technical writer, and a 12-year resident of Nevada County. His column appears the second Saturday of the month. barry@wvswrite.com is his e-mail address. The opinions of columnists are not necessarily those of The Union. |